The Miscarriage Survival Guide

Please excuse the flippant name for such a serious subject. Why am I doing this? Quite simply for my own benefit to either get it off my chest or that warm fuzzy feeling that my words MIGHT help someone someday.

So, miscarriage, it’s a fantastically taboo subject that my partner and I have endured three times in the last year. Numerous times we have been told that miscarriage is common, so much in fact that it is part of the reason why I am writing this. Even though miscarriage is common and “1 in 4” pregnancies end in miscarriage, the subject is awkward for many and some even consider shunning you for fear it may be catching…

Fear not thou reader! Whether you are a “victim” (I personally hate this) of miscarriage or somehow found this article as you know someone who is then read on for my survival guide

One in Four end in miscarriage
To which I say, Great, fantastic…Telling me that I am the one in four REALLY makes things so much better in life. It may be true but boiling down something which is likely ripping someone apart physically, emotionally and mentally is not what the poor person suffering wishes to hear. Which leads me nicely to my next point.

My (Insert female here) had one and they went on to have lots of children
Read this back to yourself. In your mind you are being comforting, providing hope to those that have just lost what would have been something amazing. In reality, you are reminding the couple what they have lost, how they have failed. To quote Jim Bowen “Look at what you could have won” From my own personal point of view, I did not give a damn about your sister,cousin,twice removed something or other while dealing with my own grievance.

Are you trying again?
I understand the subject matter is difficult, however you have basically just asked “Are you still having unprotected sex with your partner?” See my point?

As with any bereavement, the “victim” can reserve the right to one moment wish to have company and then the next to shun the entire world. This is not a personal attack upon you.

Now being serious, I suppose what I am trying to say is:

– It’s normal to be angry at others, especially those around you
– It’s normal to be angry with yourself
– People want to be there for you and are just as scared of dealing with it as you are. Thus many of the faux pas above!

I was angry for a very long time, not at anyone in particular but generally at the unfairness of the situation. But a realisation that actually helps is:

There was nothing I could do about the outcome

You can spend an eternity asking yourself what could have been done differently, what if I had been quicker calling the doctor? What if I had rested more? The answer is nothing. Sadly you a spectator to something horrible that is happening to either you or your partner.

I can only offer the male point of view, but I will say that guys, you matter as well. Yes you need to be strong but you are allowed to be upset by it. For a long time after our second miscarriage I felt a lot of guilt that I didn’t deal with. My wife suffered horrifically and nearly lost her own life due to complications during the miscarriage. The guilt I felt was because I was relieved that she had survived and during that time when she was in emergency theatre I didn’t give a thought to the child. The truth is, the child at this point was already gone, the doctor had already told us this but I felt guilt for being happy that my wife pulled through. Reading it back now, I find it ridiculous, at the time I felt like a vile person.

So, to finish I think the words of Bill and Ted are very fitting:

Be Excellent to each other.

You will need each other and those around you.

Be excellent to each other

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