Tyrannous Stars

Does one ever truly have a choice? One can only match, move by move, the machinations of Fate, and thus defy the tyrannous stars.

Kain, legacy of Kain

The above quote always pops up on my timeline at this time of year. It stems from the period where we were going through our second, and most horrific miscarriage. I’ve covered it in detail in other blog posts (His and Her’s: The Miscarriage Survival Guide) so I’m not going to retread the events themselves.

The quote however does sum up how I feel about the period. I’ve lost track of how many times I have played back every single decision and how many times I’ve thought I could have done something differently.

I don’t like the idea of fate, but I do know with some certainty that there isn’t anything I could have done back then to change the outcome. So is life decided for you? I don’t like to think so, but I’m starting to edge towards the fact that certain facets might always be out of my grasp which leads us back the “tyrannous stars”. I suppose we’ve always attributed stars to fate, as much like fate, stars are so far beyond our grasp that our power to control them is unattainable.

For those, that had read the Miscarriage Survival guide, you’ll know that I’ve suffered, and still suffer to this day guilt over my role in the loss of the little one. With the thought of fate being written, does it do anything to lessen that feeling? For me, no, it doesn’t but is this confirmation that I don’t believe that fate is written or just the fact that I’m only human and can’t just reason away guilt?

I think it’s somewhere in the middle. We have our free choice but we can never truly escape from the consequences of our actions. Each tiny decision leading us further and further down a specific path until the die is cast and certain events can no longer be avoided. So it’s less fate and more consequences of our actions and subsequently our reaction to them.
We “match, move by move, the machinations of Fate, and thus defy the tyrannous stars.” could therefore be interpreted to mean that we are subject to the cause and effect, action by action of our choices against the culmination of our previous actions. Fate is the lie we tell ourselves to make us feel better about the choices we regret, it was never the one large choice that leads you were you are today but rather a million small choices pulling you along in the current of free choice.

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